Gertrude and I are walking down Pacific Avenue together, talking of this and that. Suddenly I grab her arm and pull her close. “Don’t look now, but your boyfriend is standing on the corner,” I hiss. She looks, and there he is, a magnificent masculine specimen. He’s wearing a tie-dyed tank top and grubby khaki shorts. His hair is long and greasy, and he’s singing off-key at people walking by. “Dude, that’s YOUR boyfriend,” she smirks. “I was through with him weeks ago.”

We resume our original conversation. A block later, we’re nearly run over by a man on a bike. This one’s wearing many layers of clothing and his jagged hair stands up six inches above his head. He looks like a tiger attacked him on his way downtown and succeeded in injuring only his outfit. Attached to the back of his bike is a birdcage, but it’s hard to tell what’s inside due to the ribbons and tinsel woven through the bars. He curses at us as we hop out of the crosswalk.

“Your boyfriend seems kinda mad,” Gertrude says. “Are you guys having problems again?”

“Naw, he’s trying out one of those erectile dysfunction patches,” I say. “It makes him irritable.”

A clean-cut young man waves a clipboard in our faces. “Do you want to save the rainforest?” he chirps. We escape into an overpriced boutique. “Since when,” I ask Gertrude, “has your boyfriend been so incredibly enthusiastic?”

“If only he’d be that way between the sheets,” she sighs.

“I never have that problem with him,” I tell her. “Maybe you’re not environmentally conscious enough.”

“We’re never going to have a real conversation if we keep running into your boyfriends,” Gertrude says. So we take off for the park. Of course, there are multiple boyfriends in the park. In fact, Gertrude notes, in Santa Cruz there’s a boyfriend in pretty much any direction one should choose to look.

Some of you readers know exactly what I’m talking about. Others are wondering, who are these boyfriends? Gaylord recently hypothesized that a boyfriend is a male who displays some bizarre manifestation of testosterone.

“Well, kind of,” Gertrude said. “Sometimes it’s the way he presents himself… but then again, sometimes it’s the way he doesn’t present himself.”

Gaylord wasn’t sure what that meant. We couldn’t explain. For the benefit of Gaylord and anyone else who wants to know, here are some pointers for identifying your boyfriend. Use them wisely, but don’t get carried away. As the above fictional but typical anecdote illustrates, once you start seeing your boyfriend, you’ll notice that he’s everywhere. Boyfriend-induced paranoia is not a pleasant state of mind. To avoid having to seek psychiatric help, possibly the same psychiatric help your boyfriend is receiving when he’s not on the street being your boyfriend, try to keep your love life in perspective.

HE MIGHT BE YOUR BOYFRIEND IF:

He’s naked or only partially clothed in a public place.

He has big hair. If the hair is not only big, but also feathered, there’s a 99.5% chance he’s your boyfriend.

He’s carrying an animal with him. If the animal is either perched on his shoulder, cradled in his arms like a baby, or housed in an unconventional cage (such as a plastic storage container with holes punched in it), this man is highly likely to be your boyfriend.

He looks forlorn. As your friends will be happy to point out, he’s forlorn because you haven’t paid much attention to him lately. You’re a jerk.

He’s screaming on a street corner. Any man you see screaming on a street corner is probably your boyfriend, or your sister’s boyfriend, or maybe even your boyfriend’s boyfriend. Ask around.

He’s eating something messy, like an oversized burrito or a plate of spaghetti. You know you love it when he slurps like that.

He’s commenting on the bodies of teenage girls as they walk by. If most of his remarks are total nonsense with sexual overtones, he’s got to be your boyfriend. Maybe if you spent a little more time with him, he wouldn’t need to act out so much.

He’s asleep. Why is your boyfriend so tired? Did you keep him up all night again?

He’s wearing a suit and tie and issuing orders into a Bluetooth earpiece. I am envious. How did you get such an important boyfriend?

He’s sitting under a tree playing a wind instrument. Aw, your boyfriend’s writing another song for you! He must really be in love.

…and so on. As you can tell, this list is infinite. Which makes sense, because the number of boyfriends you have is infinity plus one. I don’t know where you find the time to pursue so many relationships simultaneously. You must be really good at multitasking. Or maybe you’re just needy. But hey, I’m not going to judge you. I have the same dilemma.

Please feel free to share other instances of your boyfriend in the comments. With boyfriends as numerous as stars in the sky, it’s important for all of us to help each other find, identify, and…um…deal with our boyfriends. You might even call it our karmic duty.

Oh, right. A picture! Let’s see. Who is the ultimate boyfriend? The essence of boyfriend? The person capable of being not just my boyfriend and your boyfriend, but everyone else’s boyfriend too?

Well, of course, it’s him:

From People.com via the lovely Zoe.

See that woman in the background, the one who’s pointing? You know exactly what she’s saying to her friend. “HEY, LOOK! IT’S YOUR BOYFRIEND!”