coco: your boyfriend keeps staring at me. how secure are you in your relationship?
me: very, he loves me unto death, and he’s just wondering why the hell i’m hanging out with a skankho like you. he’s concerned for me.
coco: oh is that so. well then, why did he just wink at me? why is he running the palm of his eye up my thigh? i think you two need some counseling.

in other news, i hear neko case is coming back to the rio.

David Hasselhoff Puts on a Dress

One of my most treasured possessions ever is a little slip of notebook paper with a pencil drawing of a snaggly toothed, bow-legged guy in what appears to be leather pants and not much else with the words “YOUR BOYFRIEND” written above it in Korean and slightly shaky English. My cousin gave it to me during a trip to Korea quite a few years back.

Just goes to show. Boyfriends are universal. Global, even.

Also, for the record, my Korean boyfriend enjoys riding the subway and screaming at other people about the decline of civilization. He also enjoys wearing a shiny polyester suit and spitting on the sidewalk as you walk past.

“Sorry, they will come lose if I start making out, it’s better to remove them”, she said.

I was shocked. “You don’t have teeth?”

“I had a really bad gum disease that made my teeth all black and puss covered, so I had them removed.”

I was obviously a little grossed out by her descriptions of her blackened puss covered teeth and thus the kiss was not going to happen. After several awkward moments, I told her goodnight and as she got out of the car she said:

“Your the third guy this month that I have seemed to gross out, why does this keep happening on the second date? I thought a woman with no teeth was supposed to be a man’s dream.”

So when somebody says, “there’s your next girlfriend, go ask her out”, I make sure I ask for a dental history.

On the one hand, we’ve got The Lord of the Dance, who has Feet of Flames and likes being shiny and bare-chested in little jackets (very similar to vests, you’ll note), and on the other hand we’ve got The Hoff, perpetrator of a horrendous cover of “Hooked on a Feeling”, who is also universally beloved in Germany.

Taking things a bit farther, I wonder what those two boyfriends will mature into? I see The Hoff becoming William Shatner. I’m a little fuzzier on Michael Flatley. Joe Namath? Liberace?

Now I’m imagining some terrifying future in which there are only two choices of boyfriend: the Hoff or the Lord of the Dance. At puberty, each young woman and man must choose which type will be their boyfriend. We will all have to live with our decisions for the rest of our lives. Although some of us will find a way to have both types of boyfriend. Greedy sumbitches.